May Roundup (Back in my Body edition)
Sobbing in the spin studio and the usual recs
TW: this post references disordered eating and obsession with exercise, as well as other works which cover it in more depth. It is brief and I would hope not too upsetting. However, I am mindful that it is a challenging subject so if that is something that might upset you, either skip this one or skip the first half.
Would I have guessed that sobbing in the spin studio would be on my bucket list for this week? Absolutely not, but life is full of surprises! I would say I’m only starting to feel back on my feet after the chaos of May. I have felt like I’m off my centre for most of last month, and it’s nice to feel some sort of grounding again. This probably has a lot to do with how much time I’ve spent in my body - partially to try and shift some of the heaviness of certain things I’m navigating, and also to give myself a break from the thinking which I can become overly consumed with. I sometimes feel ashamed about this, about thinking too much, about how thinking can be a compulsion, as I wrote last time. However, I don’t know how helpful it is to spend inordinate amounts of time wondering why we are the way we are. It might be more helpful to accept our natural instincts with compassion, and then think about where we can apply more attention to things we know are good for us but don’t find as easy. Learning to be intentional with ourselves and our lives. For me, it was a big part of my goal for 2024 to incorporate a sustainable, regular practice of exercise. Sustainable was an important word, as I have always oscillated between (shame based) neurotic obsession and compulsive (shame based) avoidance of exercise. This may sound clinical but I think it’s accurate! I wanted to cultivate a regular practice of moving my body for all of the right reasons instead of the wrong ones. The wrong ones had always led me astray anyway: I felt bad about myself constantly, was inconsistent, unable to enjoy exercise because I treated it like a punishment. I am interested in discovering different kinds of knowing: what does the body know? And how can I learn to listen? For many years, compulsive thinking had been a way of mildly dissociating from experiencing things in my body. It’s cliche to joke about the frustration that you might feel in a therapy session when they ask you: and where do you feel that in your body? But it’s a cliche for a reason - for many of us, this is a struggle. Thinking about your feelings rather than feeling them. The frustration comes from trying to think even more, when actually the answer requires a different kind of consideration, a different kind of listening. The answer is inside of you - just not inside your head.
I have been taking Ride classes at 1Rebel for quite some time now, probably as long as my best friend Abbie has been working at the company (she has since then gone on to become an instructor - one of the best, of course.) At first, I enjoyed it, but often found myself falling into the desire to compete, thinking too much about my body, fantasizing about a life in which I was a true regular. I have always been enamored with the concept of the athlete, the singular devotion and dedication required (I wonder what that’s all about! See: obsessive). Because of all of this, it was hit and miss whether I enjoyed the class. It also shows I found it hard to let myself really be in the room. Even with the loud music, the dark room with bright lights, the intense cardio, an instructor guiding you through - I was still finding a way into my head. I say this not to chastise my earlier self, but more as a reflection that when I eventually learned to let go of that, to enjoy the class, to connect my mind and body, to focus on the sensations, I started to fall in love with it. On Tuesday I found myself arrive with intense energy, ready to throw myself into the class, the physicality of it satisfying, the exertion, the stimulation of the lights and the music and the movement. Late in the class, completely present in my body, I was caught off-guard when I found myself crying. The release was freeing - necessary too - but it didn’t mean it wasn’t surprising. It made me wonder what other feelings I might be holding back from holding too tightly to my thoughts. What I might not be able to access without listening to, engaging with, connecting to my body. More on this later - I want to write more about exercise and my changing relationship with it. For now, I’ll leave it at this: I am a spin girlie and I won’t apologise!! Also, I love Abbie so much - she is the best friend ever and a truly magnificent instructor who makes you feel good to move. It is a responsibility, to be a teacher, and she holds it with grace and care. WE (COLLECTIVE) ARE SO LUCKY TO HAVE YOU ABBIE!!!!
Reading
The Creative Independent has long been a favourite place to go online. They ‘produce interviews, wisdom, and guides that illuminate the trials and tribulations of living a creative life, as told by working artists’. I can’t recommend the interviews enough. They always make me feel inspired and remind me that with my writing and my work I’m part of a large community of people - who have inspired and continue to inspire me to keep going and making things and writing. I’ve read a few this month that particularly moved me that I wanted to share with you.
On yearning for connection with Emmeline Clein
You have companies like Weight Watchers where the CEO says in leaked memos that the company makes money because the product doesn’t work and people on average do it four to six times. And you also have a lot of people going on diets, whether they’re caused by fat-phobia or they’re caused by the fact of being a person who can’t healthily embody the beauty standard she’s been fed, pardon the pun, of that emaciated ideal, who then goes on a diet that is coded as healthy in the media, but might in fact lead to weight cycling or an eating disorder or both.
Emmeline’s book Dead Weight: on hunger, harm and disordered eating is high up on my list to read next. This interview gives a great insight into her perspective on the diet industrial complex and the culture which facilitates/encourages/profits off of women (people) hating their bodies. A sentence on the book: “In writing that’s electric, fierce and endlessly curious, Clein investigates the economic conditions underpinning our eating disorder epidemic, grapples with the myriad ways disordered eating has affected her own friendships and romantic relationships, and illuminates how today's feminism has been complicit in disordered eating culture.”
On asking yourself what kind of artist you want to be with Fariha Róisín
If liberation is possible, what do we want it to look like? A prompt that I’ve been saying in class has been, what does a liberated and free Palestine look like to you? And using it as sort of this imaginative beginning of something that could become reality. When you want something, you can make it happen. There’s no other answer for my life. There’s no other reason that I am here, other than that at a very young age, I knew I had something to say. Nobody helped me get to the place that I wanted to get, so I knew I had to get myself there. My life is an act of liberation.
Fariha is one of my heroes. I have learned so much from her writing and how she carries herself through life with dedication to her values. To doing the work; not only talking about doing it. My admiration is endless. Her writing on global politics, colonization, colonialism + capitalism are some of the most galvanizing and illuminating. And as a long-time advocate and organizer for Palestinian justice, her writing on the topic has been vital for my own learning. Her Substack, How to Cure a Ghost, is one of a kind, and a very precious body of work, which traverses the poetic, the personal, and the political in a unique way which also acknowledges how these intersect. She also has many books, which you should buy and read!
On the fantasy and reality of being an artist with Anna Fusco
“It took me a few months to hear the call and recognize, “This is what’s happening. This is your life. You can do this.”
You might know Anna from her prints like the above which often do the heart-opening rounds on IG. I love following her and this conversation about art, being in community, and going slow was very beautiful to read. It feels extra special because she posted how excited she was to be featured: “Befriend the long-game! Embrace years of sucking! Today I shed a tiny tear for a dream come true. I’ve been reading interviews on @thecreativeindependent as part of my artistic practice for many years. It’s pretty weird that now there’s an interview with me. Too long didn’t read? Sit still, tell a story, ignore everybody. I wouldn’t be here without every online sale, story-share, or kind message from you.”
I think I should get befriend the long-game tattooed!
Listen
The New Statesman Podcast - I’ve been trying to listen/read more political commentary and reporting rather than just lots of people’s opinions….and with the general election coming up this felt important. Given my politics are left wing, this cannot be my only source (I find the neutrality frustrating) but I find the analysis enlightening and useful. Whilst we’re here, I haven’t got it in me today, but the treatment of Diane Abbott and Faiza Shaheen by the Labour party is appalling and reprehensible. At a time I’d love to be excited about Labour, I am only disheartened.
Doppleganger - Naomi Klein I’m listening to this on audiobook so technically this is a listen and/or read option. Describing this book is complex (it covers SO many topics) but also would do it no justice at all. Klein set out to write the book because she was interested in the fact that people in life kept confusing her with Naomi Wolf (writer of The Beauty Myth, now a notorious right-wing conspiracy theorist and anti-vaxxer). This was distressing for Klein given her long standing left-wing politics. The ‘double’ self is a theme and motif she returns to throughout the book, using it as a way to explore polarisation in politics. This device is not only compelling, but feels radical. It offers a fresh perspective, especially for the left - in blaming those people ‘over there’ (right-wingers) what do we miss? How do hold ourselves and each other to better account? In chastising the right from a place of superiority, what weaknesses to we miss in our own thinking? Or our actions. Well, also, our lack of action. The framing of the double, as the other part of the self, the shadow, also calls us to reflect on the other that exists within us. I find this challenging but important consideration that many of us (the extremely online leftists) would benefit from. Throughout the book, which is so dense with research, care, and critical thinking, Klein uses the Covid-19 pandemic as a springboard to explore the common wellness-interested to right-wing-anti-vax pipeline. The willingness to guzzle misinformation and embrace it as ‘truth’ - and examines why this might be so seductive, as well as the harm it causes. It is also a perfect example of a book which illuminates the ways in which most causes for political concern are interconnected. There are also chapters/sections which delve into medical racism, ableism, eugenics, capitalism, colonialism….the list goes on. I’m nearly finished it but it’s been a book that has radically transformed me. It sounds heavy, and it is; but it’s done so skillfully, with care, and style, and also offers a lot of hope, a vision for a better world and how we might get there.
Billie Eilish’s new album is sublime, and Birds of a Feather makes my eyes swell with tears. I love it so much and it’s going to be on all Summer.
Watch
What a rEAL day in Rio de Janeiro looks like 🇧🇷 PG-13 - Damon Dominique (YouTube)
Look, for a long time, I was a bit of a snob about YouTube. However, as often is the case with cultural snobbery, this also meant I was sleeping on some amazing stuff. My friend Celeste (thanks b!) put me on to Damon Dominique, the travel vlogger, who recently released his first book You are a Global Citizen: A Guided Journal for the Culturally Curious. I really got into Damon’s videos because as well as having a genuinely charming and entertaining personality, he has incredibly skill as a videographer and editor. His vision is unique, interesting and stunning to watch. He’s also SO smart and curious and fun. He speaks so many languages it’s insane?! And is funny, with lightness in all his videos as well as being deeply thoughtful and considered in his worldview (informed a lot by philosophy.) I don’t feel as if it’s my place to critique the form in general - I also have no interest in doing so, as I have hung up my snobbery after being humbled by becoming a fan of Damon’s work - but it obviously is entertaining, otherwise why would his videos (many of which are LONGform) getting hundreds of thousands of views. A not insignificant number in the attention economy, where attention spans are smaller than ever. This video explores his time in Brazil, him struggling when he receives a text from his ex, and we hear a bit about a date he went on. I LOVED IT!! I was particularly charmed (as was Damon) by the fact in Brazil, if you say “I don’t know” about something, they will often quip in response as they tell you, “Well, now you’re knowing!” Very fun even if I have butchered the explanation.
He had been in discussions to make his own Netflix show, which didn’t (as far as I’m aware) come to be, but I really loved the below comment on the Brazil video. I think it is worth considering that going ‘big’ has its setbacks, and creatively, that can be very stifling, especially for those who have done things their own way - which YouTubers tend to.
TikTok continues to be a source of joy and often happy tears(?)
Tems - Love Me JeJe (Music Video)
I have been utterly obsessed with Tems (the Nigerian singer, songwriter & producer) since I heard her unique, divine voice on Essence with WizKid back in 2020. Her latest release, ahead of her album, is the single Love Me Jeje. A perfect Summer song and the music video is unsurprisingly absolutely delicious. She self-directed the video, which pays homage to her upbringing in Lagos. The electricity of the city shines through the screen. The joy is palpable. I want to feel the way that video makes me feel all Summer. Also, I think Tems is the BLUEPRINT for how an artist should be these days. She is mesmerizing. She has IT. Exudes star quality. In this house….we STAN the girls with TALENT.
Few TikToks for the road.
Who said you can’t vibe to musical theatre??? Taymarquise is a ray of sunshine and his videos make me so happy. He, like the rest of us, is obsessed with Joy Woods and My Days. This video of him vibing to Sunday in the Park with George is stagey brilliance.
These girlies captured the feeling when two friends realise they don’t like the same person so perfectly…..
Ugly Betty really was so iconic lmao.
Your fave guy from Kerry did a stunning cover of Chappell Roan which I’m addicted to.
I used to be anti video on podcasts but it’s unleashed a new level of unbridled joy on my fave podcast Seek Treatment.
It’s now officially June, so Happy PRIDE MONTH to my Queers all over the world. Will do Pride themed recommendations for end of June. Reminder: Pride is every day of the fucking year! Also: it’s not gay as in happy but queer as in Free Palestine. We are not free until we all are.
Be safe. Hold each other close. Know you are so loved (even if it doesn’t always feel like it) - despite the cruelty, despite the hatred, despite the fear. You are here for a purpose! Being who you are is a gift to this world.
And if you’re reading, let’s dance and kikiiiiiii in June but also all Summer?
The second episode of my radio show Chatkinson will also be broadcast live on Voices Radio on June 17th at 1pm. I can email you the mp3 if you can’t listen live - just message me!
All my love
David x
x❤️❤️❤️x