Don't wait for the perfect moment
Imperfection, expectation vs reality, pushing through resistance, having my phone stolen....etc !
Hello everyone!
Firstly, I want to start by letting you know this is a brief interlude from regularly scheduled programming, as this month life came at me fast in many ways - ranging from great to stressful - but I’ll be back at the end of the month with recommendations and then we’ll continue as normal! Here’s a little context and update ….
Where do I begin? A diva called Maria Von Trapp once told me the beginning was a good place to start, so I’ll honour her by following that sage advice. In the same song she also wisely acknowledged that “when you know the notes to sing, you can sing most anything” and you know what, SHE DIDN’T LIE! Once again, I digress in a stagey tangent (fyi: Musical Theatre is SO back and if you don’t believe me, listen to Joy Woods singing My Days from The Notebook.) A few months back, my friend and colleague Willem had mentioned that I should apply to have a radio show. This was something I had considered, but never really did any research into how I could make it happen. He suggested Voices Radio. At the time, I was feeling a bit restless, with too much energy and not enough things to channel it into. I welcomed the idea of a new project, and it felt like one that actually made a lot of sense given I love hosting events. I had nothing to lose and a fair bit to gain, so I diligently sat on my lunch break, pitching my show. Perhaps this is the gift of hindsight allowing me to colour the narrative, but I did feel something aligned as I typed into the Google Form. Why else would an idea arrive almost fully formed on the page? I didn’t think too much, pressed send and generally forgot about it. This is an ideal approach, one I’d recommend highly but I can’t say it was intentional - there was something about this opportunity (something slightly out with my familiarity and knowledge) that allowed me to be not overly attached to the outcome. If you know anything about me, and I guess from reading me at all you’ll probably be able to gauge, this is not something that comes naturally to me. If you don’t know me, I’m a triple air sign. If you don’t know astrology, please understand that a therapist once said that I’m so good at telling a compelling story about my feelings, that it actually serves as a compulsion to avoid feeling them. Even he found it tricky to catch sometimes. A true double edged sword: A compliment (ok, what I’m hearing is you think I’m a good storyteller!) whilst also being read for filth (realizing you can be so self-aware you’re getting in your own way…ouch).
Anyway, time elapsed as it tends to do, and I didn’t think much more about the radio show. In my restless state, I was fixated on channeling my energy everywhere to call something in that I often forgot about some of the things I applied to. I wouldn’t exactly call this good advice, but I learned it from auditioning - if I had one audition in a week, I could easily get into my head (see above) and end up self-sabotaging. If I had multiple, it forced me more into the moment, and usually they went better. I signed up to work with a new personal trainer, wanting to challenge myself and learn more about fitness in a way that felt right for me. I’ll likely write more on this later, but I love my new trainer and they have made me feel so understood and seen and I’ve gotten so much out of working with them already. I also signed up for an improv comedy course, doing an intensive Level 1 at The Free Association. The week leading up to my course, I was busy, but energised. Excited for a break from work - to get away from my laptop and on stage again, to meet new people and learn a new skill, and laugh lots. It was the Monday morning of my last week at work before I did my improv that I found out I got a trial run of CHATKINSON on Voices Radio. I was elated! I couldn’t quite believe it. Then, almost immediately. I felt resistance. All the classics reared their ugly head: What if I can’t do it? What if I fuck it up? Actually maybe this is cringe. To that, of course the only suitable answer is: who cares?! I worried that I’d applied in haste when I felt a bit bored and restless, and things in general had picked up a bit elsewhere in life. I thought, Maybe this isn’t the right time. It might be a bit much and I might get overwhelmed and … you catch my drift. Something within me thankfully realised that the resistance was about fear; a compulsion to avoid vulnerability. It was true, I didn’t know how to do it, not properly, but people were around to help. It was possible I might be rubbish, and if I was, I could do 1 of 2 things: if I enjoyed it but was rubbish, I could try and get better. If I didn’t enjoy it and was rubbish, we could call it a day and move on. Much like my extremely short lived football career in childhood. It also reminded me about my desire to be in control. I wanted to do it, but only when it felt right. This is sound extremely Carrie Bradshaw but it’s true: I couldn’t HELP but wonder, is there ever a perfect moment? I guess sometimes there is, but I can’t make it be so. In life, more often than not, you have to make the moment perfect. I can fret over a decision for fear of making the wrong one, but in reality that again is avoidance. Fear! (Those of you familiar with improv will be smiling knowingly, these lessons are at the core of improvisation. A gentle wink from the universe, if you will, to be reminded of these lessons before trying to integrate them in practice.)
I promised myself I wouldn’t make decisions out of fear, and though I felt resistance, I said YES, thank you! I would love to accept this opportunity.
All of this to say, my first Talk Show on Voices Radio will be LIVE tomorrow, Monday 20th May, 1-2pm. You can listen to the archive after the fact too! Very grateful to those who helped make this happen, for Willem, who encouraged me, supported me hugely by taking photos of me for promo, answering all my qs and mastering my first ep, and for my nearest and dearest who let me be a bit scared but believe in me even when I find it hard to believe in myself.
Hope you listen & enjoy. It probably won’t be perfect (again: who cares?) but I’m looking forward to the challenge & have already learned so much. I can’t wait to see what the next two episodes bring. Thanks to bestie Santo for joining me as my guest on episode one to discuss community, awe and giggle in homosexual. ❤️
Life only had more surprises in store for me. The Friday before I started my course I had my phone stolen, a terribly not chic thing to happen! A guy was talking to me when I was on my way home from a night out, flirting a little bit (can you blame him?). More guys then joined him, in a way that was as I can recall not frightening or malicious. They were just talking to me and then the original one (the pesky flirt!) grabbed my phone out of my hand and ran faster than you can say: wait, that’s my iPhone and I actually need that, buddy. The other guys (co-conspirators) all were like, “oh my god he just stole that guy’s phone” and ran after him, ostensibly to help. I must say it was a convincing performance from them all, that may well be nominated for best supporting ensemble cast in Grabbing My iPhone 13 Pro Outside Finsbury Park Station (Summer 2025). So much so that for a brief moment I even believed I might get it back. In case it’s not clear, reader, I did not. I am still bowled over by the kindness of the couple who helped me get home, the girl putting money on an oyster card for me and her boyfriend who looked up my route home. Your kindness knows no bounds! I felt insane in that moment because I was so desperate to get home so I don’t know if I properly communicated how much it meant to me. People can be so kind! To that couple: if I ever find you I will buy you flowers and a bottle of bubbles. In the meantime please know I’m praying all your dreams come true and you are happy and healthy!!!!!! Despite the chaos, I remain moved by this act of love from a stranger!!
I then descended into near madness when I was struck down with a fever and began the true logistical nightmare of reporting a phone as stolen and being locked out of many accounts due to the psychological trauma of two factor authentication!! Has apple ever considered that i might NOT know my apple id password??? HMMMMM???? Anyway, this whole experience was abundant with lessons, even if they were ones I was reluctant to learn (sometimes you can do all the ‘right’ things and still things will go wrong and that o2 doesn’t care about me at ALL being the main ones). I was so upset before my course, in large part because I was so ill and stressed about my phone and the huge bill on uber that had been racked up by the people who stole my phone (this got sorted! hope you enjoyed your gargantuan order from highbury & islington waitrose boys!!!!!). I also was devastated because I didn’t want to go into the week in that mood or headspace. Another nod from the universe to remind me that sometimes all you can do is surrender. After all of that, I still had an amazing week at the course, and was confronted in a synchronstic way with the fact improv forces you to give up control. Life imitates art! I laughed so much and met some beautiful people and learned a lot. I was present in a way that actually helped the whole phone being stolen situation.
So many things have happened in quick succession that I maybe need a bit more time to process before I have anything more profound to say. But I share these thoughts so far because I always need reminding that things don’t have to be perfect to be worthwhile. I always need reminding that sometimes the right thing to do might make you feel some resistance, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. I always need reminding that I’m not doing it all on my own - so many people, strangers and those closest to you, are so often ready to help you, if you let them. I always need reminding that if you stay open and keep putting yourself out there, sometimes, opportunities will appear and make more sense than you could have imagined. I always need reminding that when you feel stuck or overwhelmed or destabilised, you can always just keep doing the next right thing until it gets a bit clearer. I always need reminding that more will be revealed. I always need reminding that life can be so fickle - it would be so easy not to say yes to things that could really transform you in important ways.
I’m looking forward to this Summer and I hope you are too.
Big big love
Dx