We need to be together more
This weekend, at drinks, we were talking about celebrating micro wins as if they were macro. I love this idea and actually think we should prioritise it, not only to ourselves, but with each other. Hear me out…I am always so proud of my friends and family for their kindness, generosity of spirit, grit, determination, as well as how fun and brilliant and smart and hilarious they are. It is easy for me to see them as they are, and yet I sometimes struggle to turn that same compassionate lens on myself. Maybe instead of critiquing myself for always critiquing myself, for not being able to celebrate my wins, we should try to share more with our loved ones to make the task easier (and less subjective; my harsh critique of myself is silenced by the care of my friends and loved ones when I vocalise it and as a consequence, remove its power.) When we work together and share, which many of us find challenging, things often seem more manageable and also worthwhile. A problem shared is a problem halved, sure, but a win that is shared can take it from feeling like micro to macro. Friendship can serve as a mirror to allow you to see yourself properly, through eyes that are more loving and understanding and caring than our harsh self critics.
Without spiralling into a rant about capitalism, I keep thinking about how almost everything is better when shared. Life in 2025 is not easy. Yes, many of us have access to conveniences unimaginable to some, but the cost of living is unmanageable, the state is a shambles, fascism is on the rise and geopolitically things have never been more frightening - in my lifetime at least. I suspect that spending more time in our homes, alone, often scrolling(!) is only perpetuating these struggles. Of course there is the obvious caveat that people are exhausted, overwhelmed, overworked. Honk if you agree (audio cue: the sound of a thousand honks.) What I’ve often said is that we need each other. It’s true, we do. But I’d like to take that further, I think we need to be together more.
At a hen party recently, I was struck by how my favourite part of the weekend was enjoying the morning where we all had breakfast together. A mix of ages and experiences and different home cities making toast and coffee and tea and chatting idly made for such a delight. It’s so simple and yet it’s not often we experience anything like this- especially for young professionals/singles. It made me think about if we lived more communally we would be happier. It’s well documented that this is better for almost everyone - a shared sense of belonging and of responsibility is good for us as social beings. There are massive practical and logistical obstacles to overcome to make that a reality though, but there are other ways that we can be together - through community. The word itself has now become ‘buzzy’ in a way that makes me deeply weary. ‘Cultivating community’ has become marketing copy, with commonplace usage, little regard for what that actually might mean, and therefore if it’s being applied appropriately. I could go on about that all day, maybe I will one day, but to find my way back: it’s not a surprise then, that there is a rise in popularity of the communal event - the book club, the run club, etc. People are tired and fed up of the neoliberal ideal of the individual (and no wonder.) We want to be together! This is explored further in the hyperlinked article, but for those who might not read further, the sentiment I am most hung up on is that during the Thatcher era, there was a big swing away from collective responsibility, instead prioritising self-reliance and the ‘individual’.
This sentence chilled me to the bone, on describing how a government’s ideology can become so deeply entwined in our collective consciousness:
[they felt that] People needed to learn to rely on themselves, rather than the state or, implicitly, each other: the method was economics, the object was to change the soul.
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“the method was economics, the object was to change the soul.” Direct quote of Margaret Thatcher. Fucking dark… The lasting impact of this way of thinking is darker still. How commonplace is a belief in the UK that if someone is struggling, it is because they are ‘not working hard enough’? (Sadly, very common.) The notion that people who rely on benefits are ‘scroungers’ is also commonplace; but lacks any empathy and compassion. These beliefs blame the individual, never the context in which they exist - which is ironic, as I think the most human impulse is to contextualize when something doesn’t go your way, or you make a mistake, or fall on hard times. Interesting how we struggle to offer that to others. I also think it’s worth asking is who do these questions and beliefs serve? It’s clear to me they do not serve your collective, your fellow people. It may also not serve you, should you find yourself falling upon hard times (many people in the UK are only a few financial setbacks away from homelessness.) I say this as a reminder that how we treat each other, from our friends, to our neighbours, to total strangers, is political.
A brain that is overwhelmed and depressed or anxious might make you think that you need to stay at home - you might berate yourself thinking you don’t have the motivation to do more. I’m more of the opinion that it’s not your fault if you’re demotivated, if you’re also isolated. You’ve been conditioned to think you should be self-reliant but actually we need other people! When I have been at my lowest sometimes the worst thing was to be at home and alone. It was healing, if also sometimes hard, to be outside and part of the world. Lonely, perhaps, but still there. I think of this Ocean Vuong poem which captures the essence of this so perfectly:
“The most beautiful part of your body
is where it’s headed. & remember,
loneliness is still time spent
with the world.”
Someday I’ll Love Ocean Vuong
I know that we are in a strange time when it comes to friendships, but being with people is still good for you even if they aren’t your close friends!! For years, I have struggled and struggled and struggled to cultivate a regular and consistent relationship with exercise; for this of course I blame mainly myself, my lack of discipline, motivation etc (see earlier point of individual vs collective thinking). Part of what made me fall in love with training was the communality of working out in group fitness classes. Not only does it help to be around others, I also love seeing people regularly - even if only as gym buddies. The regularity and consistency of these interactions has been an unimaginable benefit to my mental health and wellbeing. I feel a part of something! This, combined with my Glaswegian-inspired efforts to speak to the barista and the cashiers in the corner shop, has helped me cultivate a sense of actually being part of the community I live in, not just existing within it as an isolated, individual entity. Something I suspect was more normal 15-20 years ago than it is now. Now, if I feel a bit rubbish, or I’m not in the mood, but I have a little chat with the person who makes my coffee, my mood is lifted. These interactions aren’t just pleasant; they are good for you! The article I’ve linked explains this in more detail, but this paragraph in particular is fascinating:
Someone who talks to lots of different kinds of people — strangers, acquaintances, friends, family, colleagues — in a day is likely to feel happier than someone who talks only to, say, colleagues and friends.
Having conversations with "lots of different people might build the sense of community and belonging to a larger social structure," says Collins. "That might be very powerful."
I feel passionately about this, I’ve always been someone who chats to everyone. This last year it has felt more important as I’ve struggled at times with feelings of loneliness (that I think are fairly normal in transitional periods of life.) The conversations I share with people I see regularly - even if they are, as the article references, ‘weak ties’, are incredibly meaningful to me. Sometimes by virtue of the fact that they are consistent, which means a lot when you are in a period of your life where lots of your friends are busy, and your family aren’t necessarily nearby. I also think talking on the phone is underrated and we should bring it back (shout out to my o2 unlimited minutes which I embrace calling my mum and dad regularly for long discussions about life!)
Daily interactions with strangers, with people you know but don’t know that well, alongside those conversations with friends and family and loved ones are all part of the social tapestry of life. I believe these first two types of conversations are often not prioritised, as if they are ‘pointless’ which to me feels deeply sad and also the complete opposite of what they are! They are not transactional; I give you this and you give me something in return, to think of them that way is to misunderstand entirely. They are about connection, they’re creative, often full of surprising joy and potential. A lot of people like the idea of meeting someone ‘randomly’ offline….ok, well start with saying hi to uncle at the corner shop! Practice being open to a conversation and seeing what happens. Flex the muscle of talking to someone you don’t know - you might make their day, or they might make yours!
In Lagos, Nigeria, psychiatrist Dr. Maymunah Yusuf Kadiri is particularly aware of the role of varied social interactions in her own well-being.
"Those pockets of interactions bring that humanness," says Kadiri. "They bring that connection. They bring a view of how other people's lives are, so you're not just in your own cocoon."
Her days are filled with conversations with people she knows and those she's meeting for the first time – with her family, her housekeeper, her driver, her gardener, the security guard at her workplace, people delivering medical supplies to the clinic where she works, old and new patients and their family members.
She says she especially looks forward to chatting with a woman who sells fruit just outside her housing estate. "I want to get my fruit fresh," she says, "and I've known [her] for eight years that I've been living in this estate."
This moved me! The shared history between these two women over 8 years. I feel teary thinking about all they might have discussed, how much they will have shared and witnessed and gone through together - even if in small moments at the fruit stand. It made me think about all the people I ‘know’ who I don’t know. How grateful I am for the barista, my ‘brother’ (his words, and now mine!) at the corner shop, my neighbours, even if I don’t get to know them any better than I know them now. I might not live here forever, but if I do, I hope I take them with me in my memories. Writing this was part of making sure I do.
once again such beautiful beautiful words