September roundup

depressed but with a hint of pizzazz

this image of Chappell Roan is so perfect lol

After my holiday I had a bit of a meltdown (All Glamorous Women Do) and felt depressed - or realised I have been depressed but have been distracting/not allowing myself to admit it?! I’m not sure it matters at this point. Either way, there was something freeing about it. Depression. It made sense! Strange, still, how it crept on me, despite all that I know and have been through before. It really do be like that sometimes!!

I’ll be frank about the fact I didn’t know how to begin this newsletter but that I began it at all constitutes a win, because a lot of the time my depression makes me think there ‘is no point’ which sounds dark. Which it is, in a way, but it’s more dull than that, an apathy that envelopes you. I resisted using the obvious cloud metaphor, so I am obviously there somewhere!! I had been in two minds about even saying anything about it but I guess there is no point in pretending otherwise. It’s not that I want sympathy (although my impulse to defend myself against that is interesting) but I think there is something to be gained from people being transparent about finding things hard because a lot of us do. And of course, shame (which is often experienced about finding things hard, which is an added cruelty) multiplies in silence. Then there’s also the fact that I just have a big mouth and find it hard to not talk about what’s happening lol!

There are many things I wish were different and I feel a bit lost at sea. I began to become overwhelmed with everything that I felt I had to ‘fix’ and suddenly the realisation came over me that maybe I need to go inward before tackling that outside of me. Some lessons are meant to be learned over and over again. So, it’s been a month of digging deep, going slow, simplifying, trying to really practice gentleness with myself at a time where I often find the voice in my head is cruel and critical. Maybe I’ll have to continue that way the rest of the year. With all of that in mind - I haven’t found it easy to focus or take things in like I usually do, but some of the things I did I found really worthwhile.

Listening

On Children, Meaning, Media and Psychedelics - The Ezra Klein show with Jia Tolentino. Don’t always agree with Ezra or listen religiously, but I did enjoy this conversation with Jia Tolentino, which I found sometimes surprising but gave me a lot to think about - which is cool. Something I’m really enjoying of late is listening to writers and thinkers talk about being parents and how it makes me feel closer to my friends who have kids, and my own parents.

Philosophize This! - Maybe it’s existential crisis, maybe it’s depression or a gorgeous cocktail of the two but I have been craving a deeper understanding and philosophical of the world in which we live. This pod has been really helpful at introducing the great philosophers, thinkers and ideas that have shaped the world we live in. Particularly enjoyed the episodes on Foucault and Susan Sontag.

Reading

This brilliant + moving New Yorker profile of Bowen Yang, star of SNL and host of Las Culturistas. His rise to fame over these last few years has been monumental, and with that added pressure, gruelling schedules, it is evident it’s been a challenging - if also incredibly exciting - few years for Yang, which this profile documents sensitively without being overly sensationalist about it. I’m honestly rooting for him 10000% and we should protect him at all costs!!!!!

Variety interview with Anne Mensah (UK VP of Content at Netflix). A brief but fun conversation with a powerhouse of UK television. Always find it interesting to hear exec perspectives on the biz, what’s coming next, what they’re excited about.

I haven’t been reading a lot, partly because I haven’t been feeling my best, but I’m very much enjoying what I’ve read so far of Intermezzo. I’m trying to enjoy the book without getting sucked too much into the noise and think pieces and opinions about the book, Sally herself, or what ‘sort of people’ read the book. I love her novels, and I also admire her dedication to her values and politics - especially those which confront a lot of what is ‘expected’ of a public figure, and how she resists what the hype wants from her. She talks about this in an interview on The Daily. I feel like she is dedicated to trying to be herself, and answers questions honestly, leaning into the discomfort of doing so. Which - let’s be real - must be fucking difficult sometimes, with so much noise, so much press, and with a lot of people projecting a lot onto her. I was also moved by her opening speech at the Southbank Centre, where she acknowledges the context in which she is presenting her novel - using her voice to stand in solidarity with the Palestinian people, who have been subject to almost a year of unthinkable violence. It’s rare but incredibly important for people of her stature to be vocal in the way that Sally has always been (She resisted selling the rights to an Israeli publisher in solidarity with Palestinians and to comply with BDS regulations).

Watching

I needed comfort easy watching this month. Season 4 of Emily in Paris was devoured, continuing in its absurd and often nonsensical brilliance. It’s so fun, camp, and actually a bit stupid. Best enjoyed when you accept that and lean into it. I am naturally ADDICTED to Sylvie….mother of the haus of agence grateau!!!! the baddest b in Paris.

Pop Star Academy: Katseye, where we see the making of the first K-Pop trained Global girl group. This show is pretty slow but there’s something so captivating about it. The way that they talk to the girls makes me scream it’s so dramatic lmao. Seeing behind the scenes into how hard they have to work, the dedication to detail and excellence is mind blowing. Anyway, I haven’t finished it but obviously I’ve watched approximately 100,000 Touch videos (the final band’s single). Bubblegum pop perfection. The choreography is soo good I can’t get enough.

This video of Dwayne Reed on being a parent to a Trans child made me weep. The world can be so cruel and frightening but love? Love is so real.

Obsessed with the dictionary definition of pizzazz.

From this point forth please only refer to me as an attractive combination of vitality and glamour please and thank you! I cannot explain to you how gagged I was to read this. Highly recommend actually looking up what words mean. That sounds like a joke but I’m being so serious because sometimes the specificity can be satisfying.

The Thing Is by Ellen Bass c/o @poetryisnotaluxury

I’m about to be 32 which feels like everything and nothing. It is, famously, the age Carrie is in season ONE of Sex and the City which embarrassingly makes me feel better. It’s difficult to not be sucked into the collective subconscious fear of aging despite the fact it is coming for us all. We are obsessed with youth and it’s actually so boring. Once I figure out how not to care so much about that….I’ll let you know!

I admit, I am depleted, but I am still cultivating hope. My depression (if that’s what we’re calling it) would rather I “gave up” but every other time I managed to keep going so that’s what I’ll do again. I’ll take it one day or one hour at a time when I need to. I will try to still love life even when I have no stomach for it. When I fall 7 times, I will get up 8. When I can’t see the wood from the trees, I will breathe deep and feel the ground beneath my feet. Poetry helps and seems to understand somehow. Understand that you might not be in the mood - for yoga, for the dinner, for the theatre - but you should go anyway. No feeling is forever, even if it feels like it. Remember - you can be, you are, still be a part of the world even when not at your best. I’ve also found that actually putting less pressure on myself for a second feels pretty good. Groundbreaking! Would recommend!

For now, I will keep showing up. I will be gentle and patient with myself and surrender, not resist. I will fail at this and then try again. Always: try again.