Remember me?
I'm writing again!
Hello my friends and readers,
I write to you from my favourite hotel lobby, drinking coffee, and thinking about how later I will likely indulge in the decadence of a diet coke and some fries. It’s dull to constantly talk about how expensive everything is, and so I’ve adopted a fun phrase to help me manage the dissociation required to pay for anything, referring to most things as the: “cost of doing business!”. It’s Spring, Easter weekend, Passover + the first bank holiday of the year - sending you love no mater which you are celebrating.
I took a break from writing on here at the end of last year, in case you hadn’t noticed. (Don’t tell me if you didn’t.) What began as a needed and intentional break gradually evolved into something shapeless and without an end in sight. First it felt freeing, then I felt like I was avoiding doing something I loved. Eventually, you have to shake yourself and start again. This is me doing just that!
I’m feeling a little sensitive if I’m honest. The first part of this year has been invigorating and challenging. I feel tired in my bones and in my spirit. Lots happened and some of it not the way I wanted. It’s terrible when you don’t get what you want, isn’t it? Let’s not pretend otherwise. I choose to believe that it has happened for the greater good, to protect me and redirect me to something better. What point is there in thinking otherwise? Still, it’s disappointing. If it’s true that God both loves a trier and laughs when we make plans, then you better believe that God has been both loving me and having a good old chuckle each time I have made a plan. Laughing their ass off, if you will.
One thing that has been a consistent positive, and an anchor, over these last few months, has been fitness. This is something I’d like to talk about in more depth, at some point, but I would be remiss to not mention the importance that exercise has played in my life this year. I have long struggled both with exercise and my body. Like Lorde said in the girl, so confusing remix “for the last couple years / I’ve been at war with my body” Like…..honestly..SAME!! And whilst outside of the studio, my relationship with my body remains complicated, in the studio, I have discovered something else. I’ve learned that the body has something to say, if I listen. When I train, I can hear it. My body has a wisdom that I should surrender to. My brain, brilliant as it is most of the time, needs a break and is known to work too hard, think too much, and lead me astray. Last week I cried after a class, happy tears, because I couldn’t believe how far I’d come, how welcome I felt, how encouraged I’ve been by my teachers. It’s been a beautiful, hugely rewarding thing, to come to view exercise as a pleasure, not a punishment. To look forward to class, catch up with friends in the gym and being able to share camaraderie and friendship with trainers, it’s something that’s been deeply meaningful to me. Especially because the gym, or any strength based workouts, always felt like somewhere I would never feel welcome or comfortable. My inner child is healing like you wouldn’t believe. More on this at a later date.
In other news, earlier this year, a lover told me my ‘kisses were addictive’, which felt like a good omen for my jaded yet romantic heart. Although a few weeks later he disappeared without a trace. Don’t hate the player, hate the game, I guess? I was briefly on ‘Raya’, but it left me cold me more than the others. Paying £20 (floor not the ceiling) a month, in this economy, to be ignored by a singer/songwriter who’s based in Berlin and matched with me and then *occasionally* see the profile of a celebrity from California who I could learn more about on their public instagram than their profile? I’m aware that to some extent I am in a privileged position to be ‘accepted’ onto this obnoxious app, but at a certain point, collectively, we need to get a grip and reassess.
Depressingly, this was not my first foray into paying for attention (ha - what else can you call it?) On another app, specifically for queer people, created ostensibly for ‘community’ - whatever people mean when they say that now. I paid to be boosted for a few days, and saw an unprecedented uptake in follows, likes, and had access to see everyone who had selected the option that they were open to meeting me to ‘date’. This shows it does work to some extent, but only confirms the reality of the ongoing privatization of the digital sphere that I find disheartening. My techno-pessimism continued, as it also constantly encourages me to follow other people, usually professionally hot people, mostly those who I either want to be like or be liked by. (Sometimes both). I’ve found looking at people this way puts me in a state which can keep me in an addictive loop of wanting, and wanting to be wanted. And yet, is framed to be some sort of radical alternative to the other social apps…yet it seems to me the same hierarchies and habits are reinforced on there. Multiple times a week, I am prompted to leave a review to help them ‘stand up to META’. Don’t get me wrong: I am not in any way praising META. It’s just…I don’t know. Meta, overall, I think we can agree, is bad. Is there a way to stand up to META that isn’t inextricably tied to the self-promotion of something else…which doesn’t altogether seem that different from any other social media app?
Perhaps I’m just jaded because I’ve never quite got the type of attention I wanted online (undoubtedly true), but I also don’t think it means I’m wrong to feel dismayed. Two things can be true at once vibes. I also subscribed to a few people on OnlyFans (I’m Martin Lewis’ worst nightmare) - which felt like the most justifiable expense. I believe that sex work is work, and therefore that work can and should be paid for. This felt more of an indulgence; a treat, to spectate, to support creator(s) I liked. My complication came with one user in particular, who I spoke to in DMs. This was confusing because it had me switching positions (oop) from solely an observer, a consumer, to someone in conversation with someone. Our chat, which I enjoyed (in parts flirtatious, others more casual), took place in between ads - auto notifications about a stream about to start, or content that had dropped and I could pay (extra) to see. This blurring of lines left me feeling alienated— the casual intimacy of chatting to someone felt no different to any other social network, and yet… How did I know what was us just talking and what was them selling their content? I didn’t! Was I being charmed or was I being sold something? Possibly both.
For now, as you can tell, tech has sent me into an existential spiral about communicating. Do you know what DOESN’T feel weird btw? Talking to someone at the bus stop. Anyway, w/r/t dating I am opting for an old school approach: asking anyone I meet if they know anyone gay who might want to date me. I am being deadly serious. Oh, and I applied for Guardian Blind Date, lol. I might be disillusioned, and sometimes be closed off because of it, but I am a romantic. I want to court and be courted! I want to fall in love!
You can call me old fashioned if you like, but I never want to download an app again. Every time I hear people discuss things like tips for ‘tricking’ the algorithm, I feel like I’ve unwittingly signed up to a coffee date where someone is trying to sell me into a pyramid scheme. “They rewards you if you…” honey of course they want you to believe that!!!!!! They want you on [insert any app] twenty four seven to get your precious data. It’s called the attention economy for a reason - they’ll tell you anything in order to get more of yours. And honestly, I don’t want to ask Chat GPT anything, I want to throw my phone in the ocean. :)
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We are living through an irony epidemic, and so in an effort to combat that, I wanted to share some moments of joy and pleasure over the last few months.
Joining the team at Strangers in the City has been nothing but joyous. Working with some dream gals, making magic happen, creating incredible opportunities for play and getting to know new people. heaven! Big things coming up!!
My habibi Shahed’s book cover was revealed….along with a launch date….The Othered Woman: How White Feminism Harms Muslim Women comes out on AUGUST 7TH 2025……I am SO proud and cannot wait for this wonderful piece of work to be in the world. It’s legacy stuff. Beaming when I think about it every time. InshaAllah the first of many books!
My lovely flatmate and girlie pop Malika did my nails!!!!! she is the goat.
Miss Irene Bru herselllll only went and won the heat and is going to represent Halfway to Heaven at Drag Idol semi finals! Couldn’t be prouder of my girl who’s worked so hard and deserves nothing but success. Effortless charisma, charm, storytelling + humour. Old school drag done right. Divine!
Books
Good Girl by Aria Aber was unforgettable. Rich with feeling, charged with energy, underscored by shame - I could (and would love to) talk about this book all day. Daughter of Afghan refugees in Berlin stumbles into the life of a partygirl, when she falls in love with an American writer, the book documents how her life transforms and then falls apart and what she discovers along the way.
Martyr! by Kaveh Akbar is a book that I think will speak mostly to those who create or write. It’s a book about the search for meaning. An Iranian writer in America, newly sober, embarks on a journey to find meaning through his latest project. UGHIUEjktesbg it’s SO good.
Caledonian Road by Andrew O’Hagan. Dense and addictive Dickensian exploration of power, politics, and a man unravelling. A fascinating cast of characters, explored with heart and with care. A brilliant modern London novel.
I’m not sure whether I’ll write to you regularly or if it will be more sporadic - I’d like to have arrived at an idea that I feel settled on but I’ve decided it’s better to just start writing and figure it out as I go. The pressure is a prison anyway! I get caught up in grandiose ideas of what I’d like all of this (writing) to mean, trying to shape it into some sort of narrative or shape, which is usually a distraction from the point. Instead, I’m keeping Didion’s words close: “Remember what it was to be me: that is always the point.”
Thank you for being here and reading. It means the world to me!
All my love,
David
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p.s. I thought so hard about how to say what I wanted to say, and none of it felt meaningful or honest without being clinical or academic. I settled on this because I have thought about this so much this week.
My heart has been heavy lately, for as long as I can remember in fact, at the state of this cruel world we live in. To go about my day as normal, to live an unfathomably charmed life whilst at home and abroad, the world is rife with evil, with so much suffering. The latest instalment this week being the horrific and cruel supreme court decision that will make life harder for trans people, already some of the most vulnerable in our population. Watching people celebrating other people’s rights being taken away makes me sick to my stomach. The scapegoating of trans people over the last few years has been heartbreaking to witness and draws frightening parallels to the way gay men were treated not so long ago. Bigotry thrives on ignorance; do not forget that these are human beings, who only want to be who they are and live their lives. Everyone deserves that right. It’s not complicated. A feminism which doesn’t include and protect trans women is not a feminism at all. We have so much more in common with our neighbours than we think. I keep typing and deleting this because there is so much I want to say, so much anger that burns inside of me. I care about people so much. I hate hate hate seeing evil win. I don’t think there is much use in me writing in depth about this, at least not today, it still feels too raw. But it is my unequivocal belief that trans people deserve, love, respect, care. Solidarity with you always.
x
x❤️❤️❤️x
Great to read your writing again...after a break you are never going to be able to fit everything into one letter. Plenty of time ahead to get everything down!