In defence of inconvenience
Prioritize pleasure and connection over ease
Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about convenience. It is not a novel idea for me to point out that so much of modern life is catered to with the highest convenience in mind: next (or same) day delivery, endless choices of streaming entertainment - designed specifically to be easy to choose and to keep watching, apps that show you every step of your journey. Almost everything you could desire is at your fingertips - whether you can have it is to do with funds, not to do with the amount of options at your disposal, and definitely not to do with difficulty of acquisition. Things are so convenient, in a way that not so long ago it would have been hard to imagine. And yet! Are we happier? Are we more fulfilled? I don’t think so. Again, this is not a groundbreaking sociological observation. Should this be of urgent interest to you, there is lots of writing from those more qualified than I to diagnose and dissect the ways in which having our consumer and practical needs met with ease isn’t making us happier. What I have noticed, and has led me to further contemplation, is the ways in which we almost pathologically avoid inconveniences - sometimes at any cost. A phenomenon which I’m sure is caused by our increasingly convenient world lowering our tolerance for anything other than ease.
And this is what I’m really interested in: what do we miss out on because of that? A few instances in my own life have led me here. The first, is Grindr. Without delving too much into my own psychosexual history, I rarely used Grindr in my twenties and when I did, I was seldom meeting anyone. During that time I had presumed that there was a healthy amount of horny people on there (this is mostly accurate) and if you too found yourself in a state of arousal, all it took was messaging and, well, you know the rest. In theory: yes. In practice: not so simple. In my not-so-repressed 30s, I have been a frequent on-and-off user of Grindr. In my experience, it feels easy and convenient, to log on and see who’s horny locally. To chat to them. To flirt. What has proven to be more difficult, as I alluded to in my other essay on being single in your 30s, is actually meeting. This, I propose, is a lot to do with convenience. Because of the seemingly endless supply of people, it’s hard to commit unless everything lines up perfectly and conveniently. London is famous for flakiness, and a few conversations in the infamous blue and yellow boxes helps you establish this quickly. Either there are logistical challenges - like the distance (further away than you both thought) or you can’t host - or, if you take it outside of the present moment (‘right now’ for those of you familiar), it’s finding a time you are both free and actually in the mood and there’s somewhere for you to go. It can be easy to deny an opportunity to meet because it doesn’t feel ‘the right moment’. Suddenly, not so simple! If we all only log on willing to commit when it aligns perfectly with our moods, whims and highest convenience - I suspect a lot of us end up at home alone. You might be thinking: if you want to have sex as a gay man, why not go to a sauna? Where you are almost certainly going to find what you want. My guess: inconvenience! Which also makes you wonder if the concept of ease (particularly when you think about connection online) creates a sense of convenience but actually sometimes makes it harder to get what you logged on for in the first place because of a perceived sense of endless opportunity.
Another example is seeing your friends or going to events. London, like the Grindr of cities, is full of brilliant people, amazing options of things to do….but if it’s not overstimulation or overwhelm it’s logistical issues (it’s too far, how will I get home etc) that hold us back from doing fun things or seeing people we love. I fear it is important to caveat: this does not mean that you should force yourself to say yes to everything, to burn yourself out through running around town (I’ve done this, it doesn’t work.) It’s more about thinking about priorities, about considering what might drive your ‘no’. I genuinely think we should consider inconveniencing ourselves more, for the sake of pursuing pleasure, of being in good company and seeing those we love. We give something but we get something back, too. Going the extra mile can be a pathway to pleasure, rather than a diversion from it. It’s a classic city situation, where people ‘won’t leave their borough’ or whatever. Sorry, it’s boring! Yes, it would be ideal if everyone lived on my street and everything I wanted to do was walkable….but they don’t and that isn’t the case!! I seldom regret spending a slightly longer journey to see the right people or do something invigorating. All I’m saying is that I don’t think life is meant to be lived in neat little boxes. I don’t think life is meant to be without disturbance or inconvenience. Life is not Amazon next day delivery! And, as we know, next day delivery only exists due to the severe exploitation or the workers. I’m not sure how that translates into this metaphor - but it feels worth noting nevertheless. Another good example of this is inconveniencing in order to help someone. If you prioritize optimization, helping a young Mum carry her pram up the stairs is easily dismissed. Most would agree that this is an important thing to do as an act of care - but it does contradict a philosophy that is about efficiency. Kindness is a virtue, and for me, is far more important than efficiency. As described in this TikTok, we suffer if we have a consumerist approach to relationships as ‘inconvenient’. It can lead us to deny our own needs because we don’t want to inconvenience others and to expect others to show up in ways that are only convenient to us. It creates a transactional nature which doesn’t nurture connection or care. The caption is gospel: Convenience doesn’t speak the language of community!
A few weeks ago I was struck by my own hesitation, fueled by the fear of inconvenience, of the plan being disrupted. I met someone on the dance floor on Saturday night - tall, athletic, handsome, who I kissed and we exchanged numbers. The night before I had told him where I lived and as the bass pumped heavily through the speakers he’d told me that he would come over the next day. I expected to never hear from him again, that’s how the story normally goes. But the next day, when I was hungover and feeling fragile, he messaged. He wanted to come over. When we began to discuss this on Sunday and I immediately jumped to hesitation. He, thankfully, was adamant, and said he was already on his way. He had said he was coming and he liked to keep to his word (incredibly erotic in my humble opinion!!!!!!!). I cringe to think about the fact that I panicked: It’s not a good time! It’s too late in the day. I’m hungover. I need to sort out…..well, what? Something that can’t wait? Confronted by my own poorly constructed narrative, I acquiesced. And you know what? I had a lovely day with him. It was more than worth the inconvenience. How easy it would have been to protest. How easy it would have been to miss out on that opportunity for connection and tenderness - which, honestly, I really needed.
I suppose what I’m also talking about is priorities. Of late, I’ve realized that I sometimes tend towards being at home, saying no (when I’d like to say yes - a stipulation that is important because learning to say no is a big part of my 2024!), partly in an attempt to avoid the Sunday scaries. Plot twist: work is often shit even when you don’t do anything at the weekend. Avoidance doesn’t protect you! What troubles me is when did I become someone who is subconsciously serving work even outside of working hours? That, of course, is a longer inquisition, for another day. But I didn’t notice it, which is scary. I’m struck by the fact that this philosophy has unintentionally creeped into my life. It’s led me to realize that when I try too hard to avoid inconvenience I also neglect some of my greatest passions and pleasures. I put off writing due to inconvenience all the time and yet I almost never regret sitting down to do it. I don’t take long walks without my phone because the park sometimes feels a bit too far away. When I do take the walk, I often feel so calm and peaceful that I forget about time entirely. By the time I return home, I realize it doesn’t matter how long it took, and it’s never as long as I think. In some sense, this is all fueled by productivity culture, which is something I resent and want to be more intentional about resisting. I think about how easily we are seduced into this idea that productivity and success are our reasons for being here. I don’t want market values to seep into my life and interpersonal relationships. It calls to mind the introduction to Jenny Odell’s How to do Nothing: Resisting the Attention Economy, which has always stuck with me and I’m glad this writing encouraged me to revisit. In it, she writes:
“Productivity that produces what? Successful in what way, and for whom? The happiest, most fulfilled moments of my life have been when I was completely aware of being alive, with all the hope, pain, and sorrow that that entails for any mortal being. In those moments, the idea of success as a teleological goal would have made no sense; the moments were ends in themselves; not steps on a ladder”
Do you know what else is inconvenient? Falling in love! And does that mean I don’t want to? Of course not - what could be more worth the payoff? The other big one that’s top of mind - my dreams. They are impractical and illogical….and yet and yet and yet. I feel called to them, from somewhere deep inside me. Who, or what, am I serving if I don’t follow them? Probably not my highest calling! And that’s what I really want to honour.
This isn’t a fool-proof idea or one-size-fits-all. Neither is it a rule - there are caveats and exceptions and many other things I could point out. What I think is: it’s an art, not a science. It’s nuanced and you adapt it to suit your lifestyle and your needs. I also know we are all busy and burned out. I struggle with taking on too much. But I find it’s a lens through which to view things a little differently. Perhaps it is a balm for busyness, a a way to reframe how we live and make choices with how we spend our time rather than a ‘solution’, which would be more complicated and unfortunately not something an individual could provide.
What I’m saying is that this Summer I’m fucking desperate to be inconvenienced for a good time! I’m not only coming to the party if it’s in my post code. I will come to something different if it’s with someone I adore. I will let the man come over on a Sunday and do my washing later. Buy my lunch rather than food prep, God forbid! Efficiency can be a helpful tool but it is not my God. I will be curious and open and gentle with myself and others. I want to prioritize experiences and connection and fun, not productivity and what ‘makes sense’. How boring! Life is full of surprises and gifts. When we place convenience on too high a pedestal, we close ourselves off from so many of them.
In case you missed it, the second episode of my radio show CHATKINSON went out on Voices Radio on 17th June. I’ve uploaded both episodes to my Google Drive (linked below) because I don’t go on the archive for Voices whilst I’m on trial. Any issues, just shout!
What to expect: my current what’s not and what’s not, top tier culture recs to read, watch and see, and some musings on making decisions like whether to stay or whether to go. And if that wasn’t enough the beautiful @talyciat joins me to gossip about astrology, sex and the city, hot girl beverages and why reading is fundamental.
Thank you to the one and only Willem Olenski my wonderful friend and supremely talented creative producer. He encouraged me to apply to Voices and has produced both episodes and taken gorgeous pictures of me. I love him!
Back next week with recommendations.
Love David x
Fantastic as always. A fun read reminding us to do the thing even if its inconvenient and I needed to hear that this week!
Love this so much!!!