I love to love what I love.
Currently including things like Coke Zero, Pad Thai, Frank O'Hara, Speaking to Strangers
Emmanuelle told me I am so calm in the mornings - which is true, but I’d never thought about it like that. A reminder that I take on too much, things that include, but are not limited to: things to do, people to see, places to be and people’s (read: anyone’s) energy as somehow my responsibility. Dare I say the B word? Boundaries. They are necessary! Now, more than ever. It was such a lovely thing for her to notice because now I am aware of that sense of stillness I have before the day begins and that makes me smile. How did I go so long without noticing? It happens though. Can you believe it was only last year I discovered how much I really love pad Thai, and I couldn’t stop telling everyone how good it tasted when I ate it. Me: “oh my GOD this really is SO good”. My friends are smirking reading this I think/hope. I do love to love what I love.
Sometimes, I feel on the precipice of a series finale worthy meltdown, but then I spend the evening alone, eat a hearty meal and have an early night. The next day I’m like: meltdown? I don’t know her! What’s that acronym to help you reflect when you feel a bit mental? HALT; am I: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. An unholy quadrinity*, if you will. I believe this comes from Addiction Recovery lexicon, and whilst not all of us are struggling with addiction, almost all of us are in recovery from something, or many things. I went to Musical Theatre college, for example.
*Please let it be known I did just type into google; trinity but four. When I saw the answer I laughed aloud at myself in the hotel lobby that I’m writing in and sipping a dirty chai avec oat milk. I actually love my life, and I mean that sincerely! And if you think that’s embarrassing or that I’m a cliche or whatever, that’s absolutely fine because literally no one is asking you to do what I do.
I don’t consider it small talk when I’m making conversation with the barista! Many beautiful moments happen when you open yourself up to talking to someone you don’t have to. You can take the boy out of Glasgow etc. Being 31, to me, so far, is to be passionate about sparkling water and becoming fascinated with Carl Jung. I’ve also started drinking Coke Zero which has been a huge development for me as a loyal Diet Coke girlie. I’m not abandoning my beloved silver ambulance, it’s more that it’s nice to have a new can on the roster. The ways in which my thirst can be quenched is versatile; I’m an international playboy of sparkling drinks. I’m enthusiastic about my beverages and I wouldn’t have it any other way. My new podcast obsession (called This Jungian Life) taught me that the etymology of the word ‘enthusiasm’ is ‘a sense of being inspired by a God’s essence’. And honey, there is SOMETHING God like about whatever it is they put in Coca-Cola family of beverages. All jokes aside, I do feel more and more spiritual lately. I’m not sure what that means other than I feel connected to something far bigger than myself. There’s an auntie in the Sainsbury’s near my work, one of the happiest and most joyful people I’ve ever met, who asked me about my relationship to God. I felt embarrassed, because I don’t always know what the answer is to that question. I ended up saying I believe in God, or a higher power, in my own way, but have a complicated relationship with formal religion and don’t subscribe to one myself. She said that doesn’t matter because God is within me. I think that’s beautiful. Faith is beautiful!
January is a complicated month. It is (at least by the Gregorian calendar) a month which represents new beginnings, resolutions, a fresh start from the last cycle. It feels to me as if I am restless and eager to charge ahead, and yet simultaneously lethargic, tired, wanting to retreat. It is in January that I am most acutely aware of time in a way that feels unhelpful. Although I know by December I will find it hard to comprehend where I was in January. We do not know what the year will bring. Resolutions and plans and goals all assume that we might, which can create an unsettling inner conflict. This pressure always seems to ease off as the year progresses, which is something to remember. The blank page can be overwhelming, indecision can be paralysing (I would know - I have a Libra stellium…) - but ultimately, whatever we decide comes with its own losses and gains. (Past Lives, Celine song, captured above) Understanding this can be freeing, even if hard to accept. I recommend reading this this profile of Jacqueline Rose, the Humanities professor from Birkbeck if that’s something you’re struggling with at the moment. It’s full of wisdom and made me feel hopeful.
In the meantime, my plan is to focus on going one day and week at a time. When I feel overwhelmed by possibility, I remind myself I don’t have to decide everything today. When I feel unsure, I trust that more will be revealed in time.
I want to approach January like a slow unraveling, as if the year is stretching and gently unfurling out of bed like it just woke up.
I'm also still thinking about Past Lives :O I've also been thinking a lot about a book I read, the Midnight Library, where the protagonist plays out a whole series of alternative lives. I wonder what Jung would have to say about this deep sense of yearning we feel for past or alternative lives.
omg should we also submit our dreams???