Burnt orange corduroy

Scattered thoughts from a sometimes confronting September

When I was at theatre college I had an accent teacher who was always dressed in a wardrobe of exclusively autumnal colours irrespective of season. It was chic and I think of her sometimes when I see burnt orange corduroy. 

If gay men that I’m attracted to liked me the way the girlies do, well, things would be very different! No further questions at this time unless of course you are one of the gay men I’m attracted to. Anyways, where do all my socks go? If anyone has tips for not being tired and maintaining a good mood, you are encouraged to share. Also, how is anyone doing anything, really? Something to consider.

Despite my best efforts, I am still convinced many things would improve if I had the body I love to look at on Instagram. I’m obsessive about thinking the grass is ultimately greener - which I’m finding is mostly unhelpful. Do you think some of this fantasy of aesthetic beauty is a distraction from my desire (and fear) of being fully known and seen and loved? Don’t answer that! 

If only I could accept the things I cannot change, change the things I cannot accept AND have the wisdom to know the difference! I drink a Diet Coke every day and please let the record state I do! not! care! to hear your thoughts on that matter. I enjoy pleasure (as should you) and I only have so much energy to worry about things. I’m mainly preoccupied with bigger things like existential pondering and considering if I came on too strong or seemed weird when I sent a flame emoji to the guy I fancy - if you’re here, reading, randomly - did I, btw? let me know if you can but obviously no worries if not.

Sometimes it’s good to break the rules - especially those you’ve made for yourself. Consider it a little treat. Whatever ‘it’ may be, sometimes you have to do it and not think about it. Wanting things to make sense is a terrible burden because very few things do. I do feel like I need more help (don’t we all) but the jury’s out on whether that’s philosophical, astrological, hallucinogenic, therapeutic or pharmaceutical. As I write that I think, maybe all of the above. 

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If mental gymnastics was a real sport then baby, I’d be on the podium. I am very happy for people who have a mortgage and/or pay off their credit card in full each month but unfortunately that’s not what was in God’s plan for me, apparently. It is not hard for me to accept this at all! It is easy, in fact. 

I want to be in love. Sometimes I want it so badly it’s embarrassing. Dating ends up feeling like a job interview (derogatory) or just deflating beyond what seems reasonable. Maybe it’s my avoidant attachment style or maybe I’m jaded but it also doesn’t mean that I’m wrong! I’m so romantic it actually hurts. I know it’s not modern to care so much but I can’t help it.

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I am trying my best. I am trying to tend to my big heart and be gentle with other people’s. I am trying to learn. I am trying to grow. I am trying to remember how far I have come, consider how impossible this might have felt years ago. I am trying to figure out what I want my one wild and precious life to be. I am trying to resist the notion of where I think I ‘should’ be by now. I am trying to be gracious and grateful and live my life with style. I am trying to embrace the path less travelled but I am also self conscious and scared. I am also trying to stop trying so hard and just be. Once I learn to truly surrender - the bookies predict it will be over for you hoes. 

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Sometimes at night I open my window and stare at the sky and ask aloud - is everything going to be ok? Am I going to be ok? 

If you’re wondering who, or what, answers - trust me, it doesn’t matter. What does, is the answer is always yes. 

Sometimes you have to spend {redacted} on some wine and roasted cauliflower to feel alive on a Thursday evening! I have no regrets; I didn’t move to the metropolis to live a provincial life. I won’t deny myself glamour is my new mantra.

Thanks for being here after my August break from writing and creative things. It was needed and gave me the space I needed. Excited to get back into it and see what the rest of the year has in store. Off to my first gay wedding this weekend with some of my favourite people. Have a gorgeous one and I’ll be back next weekend with recommendations. xxxx David